Don't Let Go

Tuesday, August 5, 2014




Yesterday I cried. I didn't want to or plan on it but lately I don't have any control over my emotions. It's honestly like I'm making a smoothie every day. I put in some jealousy, some anger, sadness, gratefulness, patience, impatience, guilt etc. Then I blend it all up and you get a little bit of everything almost every day. It's insane how all over the place I am.

Within the last 24 hours there have been 3 pregnancy announcements. I'm happy for each one, and still desperately waiting for it to be my turn. I have a really hard time understanding where God and his grace are lately. Of course I know it's there but sometimes I have to scrape aside so much other crap to find it. :/

I'm sure the other half of my melt down was because of the very negative pregnancy test I took yesterday morning. If there is such a thing as a super negative test, it was mine. No hint of a baby on that stick. Nope, no sir. And while I've been preparing for the disappointment of this day for an entire month it still hit hard. I was upset. I couldn't pretend to be okay with it. It sucks. No period either, but a very negative test all the same.

While I've been down at the beach my Aunt has been a great ear. She knows the infertility road all too well and has so much compassion. She suggested that I create a note card with my favorite promises from God and when I start to feel overwhelmed, upset, hopeless, to get it out and read it. Over and over. Till my eyes bleed, if need be.

I also downloaded this book yesterday and am LOVING it so far. If you are dealing with infertility at all this has been a great read (even though I'm only 22% into it). The author totally validates everything I'm feeling, which feels good (Thanks, Brooke, for the rec!).

So, continued prayers. Prayers that I can be strong. That I don't have pity parties, and that no one else announces their pregnancy. Kidding. Kind of. ;)


19 comments:

  1. While I don't know how you feel, I lost two babies before I finally had this one. Fear is not of the Lord. Fear is what the enemy has placed in front of you to lose sight of your Faith. I know its hard to stay positive at times and you know what, its okay, we're all human. You let yourself cry and get it out and then you take a breath, remind yourself how awesome your God is and then let the joy come in the morning. It will come and you will be a mother again. I have no doubt.

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    1. thank you so much for these encouraging words! fear always gets the best of me.

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  2. I know! I almost deleted my Facebook and stopped blogging with all the preggo announcements lately, it was almost too much to take. This IF road is no picnic. Prayers and love my friend!

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    1. sorry you have to go through this too but i'm not gonna lie...it feels better knowing i'm not the only one :/

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  3. Prayers for you! For patience and peace. Trust that His timing is perfect timing!

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  4. I know, girl. I know exactly every.single.thing you are feeling and describing. And I'm so sorry. It hurts so much.

    Email me anytime if you ever want to talk.

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    1. might be taking you up on that email when I get some time and a better internet connection when i get home! life is so lame sometimes. i'll be praying for the both of us!

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  5. I totally understand how you feel. You're allowed to have a mini pity party, then pick yourself back up and move forward. You deserve to be happy :) I'll be praying for you!

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    1. as long as i move forward after the pity party i guess it's ok! ;)

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  6. I know exactly how you feel. I am planning my best friend's baby shower and while I'm so incredibly happy for her, it is secretly killing me inside. Thank you for sharing your story. It helps me feel less alone in this journey! Prayers to you for a new little bundle of joy!

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    1. UGH that's seriously SO hard. thank you for praying!

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  8. I'm so sorry that you're experiencing this. I too am struggling with this and it's a rough road to travel. I know that God has a wonderful plan for all of us though and we're only able to see what's right in front of us while he can see the big, beautiful picture.
    I found this blog comforting and it gave me a small glimmer of hope but I'm also aware not everyone's story ends that way...
    http://diyonthecheap.com/when-god-says-no-infertility-miscarriage/
    May God bless you with comfort, peace, happiness, and patience during this difficult time.

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    1. i need hope! headed over to read it now. thank you! and so sorry you have to deal with this too. i wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.

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  9. Hang in there! Remember, God doesn't give us anything that we can't bear. He is always there to help us through our trials. Continue to lean on Him and learn from this horrible experience. You and your family will continue to be in my prayers. Xo

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    1. thanks JoEllen...i'm so thankful for your prayers!

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  10. You are not the only one. Yesterday I almost deleted myself off facebook and instagram. Trying hard to be happy for those that are having babies. Me on the other hand I am a hot mess.... Praying for you

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