There's no question that while going through infertility it helps to have support. There are a million reasons to as why you could be infertile, and for me we never figured out why we struggled. Gabriela Rosa's Fertility Challenge is a FREE online event that teaches struggling couples why and how to make changes that can transform their fertility results. I would have loved this kind of information when Matt and I were in the trenches of negative pregnancy tests.

egg retrieval

After exploring Gabriela Rosa's website one thing that I loved was the different ways she approaches "fixing" couples' infertility. She meets the needs of couples who are trying to conceive naturally as well as helping couples who are preparing for IVF. Either way she teaches you how to prepare your body to be in optimal fertility health. 

shots to prepare me for IVF

our only two embryos... Hi Cal and Everly!

Gabriela Rosa bases her program off of 11 pillars of fertility:

1. diet and fluid balance
2. exercise
3. sleep
4. stress
5. nutritional supplementation
6. environmental challenges
7.whole body alignment
8. male reproductive health
9.female reproductive health
10. mind over matter
11. family foundations

When I was struggling to get pregnant it was important to me to talk to people who had actually suffered from infertility... not just doctors who thought they knew how to fix it. Gabriela Rosa knows firsthand about infertility and was able to overcome it by applying her own methodology.

Her fertility challenge starts on July 4th and takes place over 12 days. Best of all it's FREE so you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. There might be a piece to the puzzle that you're missing and could figure out with her help! Head over HERE to sign up now!

This week I wrote my infertility story for a brand. They asked me to write my journey down in 500 words or less. If you are new around here is my story in a nutshell...

"I struggled with secondary infertility for two years. Secondary infertility is uncommon because you have already been able to conceive a child without fertility treatment. My husband and I got pregnant on our first try with our daughter (now 6). We had no idea that we would be diagnosed with unexplained secondary infertility years later. I'll never know if my first born was a miracle (I mean all babies are) or if something happened in my body after giving birth to her that changed it. 

Me and my first born, Blair.

Secondary Infertility is hard for many reasons but one being that people assume since you had one kid you can easily have more. They make insensitive comments and ask when you're going to have more. I finally got to the point where my response would be, "Well, we have been trying for a couple years now....". And that would shut them up real quick. The other thing that makes S.I. hard is that you can't escape being surrounded by other moms , babies, and pregnant women. Since I already had a child I was stuck going to everyone's baby showers and stood by as I watched friends get pregnant with number two and number three. It was rough. 

progesterone shots given by my best friend

After a few miscarriages and every treatment under the sun; Clomid, Letrozole, IUI, and acupuncture, we went for IVF. There are so many ways to go through IVF and after much prayer we decided against genetic testing and only attempted to fertilize 5 eggs. I'll never forget the day the doctor called and said, "Only two of your eggs fertilized and are growing at a normal rate. Since you didn't do genetic testing the chances of both of them making it is slim." I sobbed. And sobbed. Finally the Lord gently reminded me that I only asked for ONE healthy baby and He had given me TWO. At that point I decided to trust Him and His plan and to be fearless. 

egg retrieval

Well those babies grew and they grew. We passed every week with a sigh of relief (my first born was premature) and cried when we saw/heard their heartbeats. We were told that we were having twin boys and then weeks later were told that they had made a mistake and it was a boy and a GIRL! My daughter at the time had been praying for God to change one into a girl (even though I told her this was not likely)...boy were her prayers answered! We had a few hiccups along the way; my son had a cyst on his brain that the doctors said was pretty normal (but STILL) and I had to put it in the Lord's hands. I had some preeclampsia too but I always went back to what I knew to be true: The Lord was in control. He is good, He cares for me, He created these babies, He knows what is best, He is trustworthy, and He LOVES me. 

our pregnancy announcement with twins

I tell my story to encourage others going through infertility. There are SO many emotions that come with it but I want to try and give people HOPE. Having hope changes everything."

I get a lot of people asking me detailed questions about my experience with IVF. I'm happy to answer questions but "mom brain" does get the best of me so if you want more answers click the "infertility" tag. Most of my IVF posts are from November and December 2015.

Did you know 1 out of every 10 women struggle with infertility? It's national infertility awareness week and I wanted to be an encouragement to those who are currently in this unwanted season. 

our miracle babies

I'll be answering a few questions this week that may encourage or inform mamas currently in waiting. The original Q and A can be found HERE. And please,  if you have any questions please ask them in the comments and I'd be happy to respond! 

What was the hardest part of this journey for you?

 Oh goodness. There was so much! I think one of the hardest things for me was not knowing the outcome. I was so exhausted emotionally, physically, and spiritually. There were times that I just wanted to know if I wasn’t going to be able to have more kids so I could start processing that and healing and moving on with my life. 

With infertility there is so much waiting every single month. There were months that I got positive pregnancy tests only to discover that I would have a chemical pregnancy (early miscarriage) and would have to start all over again next month. I didn’t understand why God would give me that false hope only to take it away. I spent a lot of time angry at Him, questioning His love for me and His goodness. I doubted His plan for my life and felt forgotten by Him. My faith was rocked and I can truly say I hit rock bottom during those years. 

Infertility was all-consuming. There was not one moment that I wasn’t thinking about it (partly because you have to be so in tune with your body so it’s impossible to ignore). I felt as though my daughter was suffering because I was so focused on getting pregnant again and going to a million doctor’s appointments that she took a back seat. I found myself unable to truly enjoy things with her because I was so burdened by not being able to get pregnant. It was horrible. I hated that my time with her was spent with my heart being heavy in the background.

It was also painful to know that she so desperately wanted siblings and that I couldn’t provide that for her. I was so desperate to fix the situation and yet at the same time I was so overwhelmed because I knew it was out of my control. 

With infertility there is no control. You realize how helpless you are. In retrospect this was a good thing because it showed me how much I needed Jesus. I was/am helpless and can only get through this life with His strength!

In March Matt and I will be celebrating ten years of marriage. We knew that we wanted to re-set my engagement ring but that it would be more difficult to do in March than before the babies were born. So in August we sat down and chose a new setting and transferred all the diamonds from my old ring to my new setting.

In the process of doing this we decided that we wanted to have two new bands: one wedding band (that I'm waiting to wear till March) and one touchstone band.

While we were going through infertility one of my best friends would remind me of the Touchstone's in my life when I would get weary and lose hope. She used this phrase for times in my life that I could go back to and "touch" and remember God's faithfulness. She would remind me of all the good things that he had done for us throughout our journey. Some of my touchstone's

This new band is my new touchstone to remember how God was SO faithful and brought us through IVF in his perfect way and timing. We will have hard trials in the future (we're in one right now with the twins!) and this ring will be a constant reminder of how his plan is best and he is in complete control. It also reminds me of the ways he showed us grace and mercy through the heartache.

My band has nine diamonds and I've detailed nine ways he was faithful through our infertility journey (there are clearly more but for symbolic purposes I chose nine).

1. the family/friends/strangers who prayed for us
2. the timing of M getting a new job with health insurance that partially covered IVF
3. the financial support from my family
4. the way he led me to publicly share my story in order to encourage others and give my trial purpose
5. the way he brought strangers (like Evelyn from Costco) into my life who had already been through IVF
6. the fact that he brought Blair to us and sustained her through the NICU
7. the incredibly loving husband he provided me with
8. the way he gently reminded me when I found out only 2 embryos fertilized and was devastated, "Natalie, you only needed one, and I gave you two." This still gives me chills.
9. the timing of our refinance for our home that has now allowed us to pay for a nanny

God had complete control the whole time! And while I wavered and struggled to trust him he was never shaken. He has always been bigger and more powerful than our infertility and will continue to be through the rest of our trials in life.

I'm overwhelmed and humbled by his grace and mercy and have learned/matured in my faith an incredible amount. He showed me sin in my life that I never would have noticed had I not gone through this heartache and I'm thankful to have a new perspective on my struggles. I understand his love in ways I never would have and it makes me value my relationship with him exponentially above all else.

No matter my circumstances, God you are so good. I never thought I would say this but I am glad you chose me to have the burden of infertility. It has changed my life!

To catch up on parts one, two, and three of my birth story scroll down. Otherwise here is the final part to my birth story with the twins!

Shortly after I was wheeled into recovery and the twins were getting assessed, my doctor asked me to lift my hips up to slide something underneath me. Right when I did that I started hemorrhaging badly. Later I would find out that my Mom saw my doctor sprinting down the hall and thought he was off to deliver another baby. In actuality he was racing to my room along with a slew of other doctors and nurses to stop my bleeding. 

I ended up losing over a liter of blood and needing a blood transfusion. I truly have never been so scared in my life. I remember hardly being able to keep my eyes open but at the same time too scared to let them close. I recall asking my nurse (who happens to be a friend of mine) if I was going to die. She said I would be ok (phew!). I have never seen that many frantic doctors around my bed before and it truly terrified me! I was very lightheaded, extremely hot, and just feeling horrible overall. 

They were able to control the bleeding and I spent a couple more hours in recovery. At around 3 am they wheeled me over to ante-partum...for moms who have complications pre or post delivery. I spent the night there with M and the twins. 

The next day they wheeled me over to post partum where they continued to monitor me. The nurses and staff were so sweet and kept stopping by to say hi and check on me. They called me a "rock star" because of my crazy labor and also because I was breastfeeding twins. M and I slept in the same bed (nice and cozy!) because the twins liked to be skin to skin with us and upright. 

I continued to have some high blood pressure readings but I attributed this to being a new mom of twins. Thankfully they let us go home late Wednesday night. 

I still can't believe these two babies are mine. This time around I am cherishing every moment with them instead of wishing they were older and easier (read: sleeping through the night and not nursing). It is surreal to see our story come full circle and to still walk by our refrigerator and see the picture of them as embryos while I physically have their sweet bodies pressed up against mine. God deserves all the glory and I will forever enjoy sharing their story with others. Miracles still happen around us and they are ours! 

Yesterday I ended part two of the birth story with me being dilated to a 9 for 4 hours. I can never explain that discomfort/pain...it won't do it justice!

After the doctor checked me 3 times over the course of 4 hours (and I was still at a 9) I decided it was time for the epidural. This broke my heart because I had made it SO far naturally but I knew that mentally and physically my body was not going to make it to a 10 unless I relaxed. I could not figure out how to relax through my contractions but I knew that when I had the epidural with Blair things progressed really quickly. 

M and Ashley (my doula) really encouraged me to try and finish the race sans epidural but I knew my body was done. So, without further delay I got an epidural...and that was SO scary! It was so hard to be completely still through contractions at a 9 but I fought through it because I knew my babies were right around the corner. 

From the time I decided to get the epidural to when it actually set through my body, was about an hour and a half. As soon as the epidural took the doctor checked me again and I was at a 10. I knew I just needed a little bit of a break to reach the finish line. 

At this point everyone suited up and I was wheeled over to the OR. With twins there is such a high risk of needed a C-section that all deliveries are in the OR. Typically they only allow one person to be with you in the OR. For me, that person was M of course. However I knew Ashley would be a huge help too. Since she happens to be a post partum nurse at the hospital where I delivered they allowed her to be there too. That sure worked out well! 

These are by far the most unattractive pictures of me. Who looks good at this angle?!

Once in the OR Everly was ready to come out. It took me about 4 pushes to get her tiny little five pound body out. When she came out and was placed on my tummy I was overwhelmed with happiness. I cried and cried and remember saying, "We've been waiting for you! We wanted you so much! You are our miracle." Re-writing those words still makes me tear up. After the cord was done pulsating, Matt cut it and we were on to the next baby.

sweet Everly Grace born at 8:55 pm weighing 5lb 10 oz and 17&3/4 inches long

My contractions were 6 minutes apart (woah!) so we had to wait a while for Calvin to show up. For a while I remember looking in the mirror at the top of his little big head while we waited for the second contraction. After about 4 pushes he also came out. If it were just up to Evie I wouldn't have torn at all but he changed that. ;) Thanks Cal. 

sweet Calvin Noah born at 9:22pm, weighing 7lb 6 oz and 20 inches long

Again when they placed him on my tummy I was in a complete state of euphoria. God had given us not one miracle, but two and I was overwhelmed by his goodness. Matt, Ashley, and I were all crying happy tears and I will never forget sharing that moment with them. 

Once Cal and Evie were weighed and measured and checked over by the NICU they wheeled us all to the recovery room where they did their initial assessments of the babies. 

All was well until they asked me to shift my body weight to check on things "down there." 

Cal and Evie

Stay tuned to see what brought all the doctors frantically running down the halls to my bedside...

One of the scariest moments of my life! 

     Today wraps up the last bit of my lifestyle maternity photo shoot with Carrie Johnson. It's so hard to choose favorites because there were so many good pictures but these are definitely at the top of my list. If bare pregnant bellies gross you out then this post isn't for you ;) but I happen to find them beautiful! Especially this time around since we went through so much to be here. This belly of mine is SUCH a miracle and I'm proud of it and want to remember it forever!

      This is me at 27 weeks. I'm currently 30 weeks and measuring 38 weeks! How I haven't gotten stretch marks yet is beyond me. Oh, and don't mind the 40 pounds I've managed to pack on (insert a face of concern here). My doctor just laughs at me when I freak out about my weight in his office every two weeks. But according to Matt I have the rest of my life to get back into shape. I'll just keep telling myself that!

I just love that last shot of sweet Blair. She made me a mama and I can't believe that she's about to be a big sister. She's so ready! Seeing these pictures is so surreal. I keep saying this but I honestly didn't know if I would ever be here again taking maternity pictures. I'm so grateful for these babies...all 40 pounds of them! ;)

A couple weeks ago my friend Carrie took some lifestyle maternity photos at our home. I love the casual atmosphere of these types of photo shoots and documenting the place where we spend the most amount of time...home! I asked her to capture us doing the normal things that fill our days: reading, putting on make up, making banana muffins, etc. I'm absolutely smitten over them and will be posting about them this week.

Of course this photo shoot was particularly special because of how hard it was for us to get pregnant. I'm cherishing all of these types of activities so much. They bring me so much joy and gratitude. I'm already looking forward to taking their newborn photos, sending out announcements, filling out their baby books etc. Remind me of this euphoric feeling when I'm a zombie and trying to breast feed TWO babies!

I can't wait to show you the rest of the photos this week! Another big thank you to Carrie for continuing to capture our growing family so well. I will cherish these pictures forever!

Over the weekend my friend and I went to the Choose Joy conference. It's basically a Christ centered conference regarding infertility and/or adoption. We had a really great time and left feeling very encouraged. It was pretty awkward showing up to a conference on infertility being five months pregnant (and unable to hide it well). But I purchased the tickets before I knew we were successful with IVF. And regardless I still really enjoyed myself and found some tools there to help other women through infertility.

One of my blousiest shirts looking not so blousy... also how awkward did I feel trying to not touch my bump!

Everyone got to take home one of these darling umbrellas!

I'm more motivated than ever to start an infertility support group at my church and feel like this conference will help me get started. Like I've said before, I don't want waste the trial I went through by leaving it behind. I want to help others and have no regrets about doing nothing with my experience. Here goes nothing!