This post is going to be like de ja vu for me (and you I guess!). Here goes nothing...
On Monday (day 21) I went in to take a blood pregnancy test so the doctor could ensure I wasn't pregnant before starting IVF meds. In the afternoon I got a call from the nurse saying I was pregnant. Insert huge eye roll here from me. My levels were at 24. I was to go in again on Wednesday to see if my levels were going up or down. Wednesday came around and I went in again for a blood test however in the afternoon the nurse called and my numbers were down to 12. No surprise here. This is my FOURTH chemical pregnancy which basically means early miscarriage. Matt's doing his part to get me pregnant but for some reason the embryo isn't attaching itself to my uterine wall. This could be due to thin lining or genetic abnormalities.
Enter my genetic screening blood test results. Apparently I am a carrier for this recessive disease called Glutaric Acidemia Type 1. It's a very rare disease but a disease none the less so Matt has to be tested for it too. If we both are carriers then our child has a 1/4 chance of getting the disease. No bueno. When we get his results back we will know if this could be a reason for my miscarriages. If we both carry the recessive gene it is highly likely. And if he does have the gene we will realize that Blair is even more of a miracle!
So what's next?
As soon as I start my cycle in the next few days I go on birth control and start giving myself shots of Lupron. On day 6 I go in for my hysteroscopy which is where the doctor puts me under and looks at my uterus with a camera. If there are any problems (fibroids, polyps, endometriosis etc) he removes it and basically does some "spring cleaning" in there. Oh goody. After that procedures I'm not sure what comes next. One step at a time!
Honestly, this miscarriage wasn't upsetting. I was prepared for it and wasn't feeling strong pregnancy symptoms anyway. The only upsetting part is still not knowing why this keeps happening. Unknown infertility is seriously the worst. There is nothing about IVF that guarantees that they can make the embryo stick. They do their best to try but no guarantees. That scares me. To think that this could be a HUGE waste of money. I say huge because it's still going to cost us around 7-10K per cycle with insurance (anesthesia, genetic testing, surgery center etc all aren't covered). But then there's the other side...we won't know unless we try. So try we will!
There are two very strong emotions running through me:excitement and fear. I'm excited to think that IVF may take us to the end of our infertility journey. I'm fearful that it may not. With the Lord's strength I'm trying to be fearless. The fear takes away my hope and that's the last thing I need right now. Whenever I feel the fear rising up in me I remind myself to take one day at a time. Getting ahead of myself is often the source of my fear.
Taking one day at a time has eased much of my stress. God tells us not to worry about tomorrow and I'm holding on to that! You can be praying for M and I to have wisdom. We have lots of decisions coming up and I would love clarity. Prayers for M in dealing with insurance. Prayers for me in remembering my doctor's appointments and which medications to take each day while raising a toddler. Prayer for my heart if this doesn't work the first time. And ultimately prayer that I find my joy in the Lord regardless of if our family grows or not. I truly think he has something big planned for us. I refuse to believe it stops here.
I've been more aware of my blessings lately than ever. Mostly just marveling at Blair. I wonder how in the world she is here. She is truly a miracle and I'm beyond thankful for her. I have a daughter. She's healthy and beautiful and she lights up my life. Some people never receive the blessing of a child and my heart grieves for them. I will never take her for granted and I praise God for his mercy and goodness.
So if you have littles then squeeze them extra tight this weekend! They are a gift! Thank you for your constant support. I love my readers!