I have an idol, and it's not God. It's true. And I'm desperately trying to change that. I never thought that my desire to have 3 kids was a bad thing. Having a family is good, isn't it? And while the obvious answer is yes, I've learned there's more to it than that. When my desires begin to take over all my thoughts and my sole ambition in life is to have more children instead of being content in Him, glorifying Him, and trusting Him, I'm in trouble. God should be enough for me despite my circumstances. If my home, finances, health, and (heaven forbid) family were taken from me, could I continue to sing praise to Him? I want the answer to be yes. My head knows what the right answer is...now it's a matter of getting my heart to follow.
So I'm in a constant war with myself. Praying for mercy and grace from Him even though I know I'm undeserving and not guaranteed a perfect life. Which is a hard pill to swallow.
I imagine that one day I, too, will be announcing my pregnancy and singing of His goodness. Because I know that every good thing comes from Him and for that I am eternally thankful. But for now I will continue to try and seek out the good in my situation. To see the prayers that He's answered. And there have been so many! From the quick diagnosis, to the understanding doctors and nurses, to the most amazingly supportive friends and family. I really am blessed.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel like I'm in a game of tug-of-war. I'm grateful for all my current blessings, but still desperately waiting. It's a hard act to balance. I'm thrilled for my pregnant friends but also yearning to be in their shoes. And along with that, trying to grow in my faith so I can truly say that He is enough. Regardless of whether or not I have more babies. It's a big task, but I know He's seeing me through it and all I can do is ask for strength, peace, and wisdom.
So there you have it...my emotional roller coaster. I'd imagine you're all pretty tired of reading about this by now but writing out my feelings is therapy for me. And it is my blog after all so "I do what I want." ;) And for the record red lipstick is not a good choice for an emotional day. If you could only see my hot mess of a self right now. Super cute.
And because Tinkerbell makes everything better...
*Update: I wrote this yesterday at nap time. By the evening I was feeling significantly better but I still stand by what I said. :)
Posts
virtual hugs... brings me back so many feelings I had. Experiencing the unintentionally cruel things people could say "at least you know you *can* get pregnant" as if a loss is the better choice to infertility (newsflash... neither is a winner). I hope people have been kind in their so called reminders about counting your blessings and phrases like that, because while you do have a beautiful child, family, and life, it doesn't diminish ones dreams. I hope this round is successful for you and this period can be put behind you, just never lose your faith or question what it is you want. You are allowed to want family! (But girl, wooo, good luck with three... I'm closing up shop after two.. more power to the mamas who have 3 or more!!)
ReplyDeletethanks so much erinn. it really does help me feel better when sweet friends like you reach out and encourage me. and i'll keep you posted on 3 kidlets. that's my plan but you know i only have one and two may be a game changer... ;)
DeleteI sooo admire your honesty in this post. You are not alone in these daily struggles. Letting go of what we want to allow what God wants is no small feat! And to show happiness and thankfulness through it all is a goal not easily attained! And I think you are such a strong Christian to be able to recognize and admit to this internal battle. You are in my prayers! And you're also becoming a Christian role model for me! I appreciate that! Hang in there sister! P.S. Maybe try some coral lip stick next?
ReplyDeletethank you brislie! it sure helps hearing that at least i'm encouraging other believers in this because most of the time i feel like i'm an immature believer all over again!
DeleteThinking of you sweet friend!! Don't apologize for these posts, I love your honesty and perspective. And I will keep you in my prayers! xoxoxoxox
ReplyDeletethanks natasha! i so appreciate all of your kind words.
DeleteAs I read this the song "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller came to my mind. I have worshipped with this song so many times. You will love it. I pray for you beautiful woman of God, you are GOING to get your miracle.
ReplyDeletejust bought it on itunes...thank you!!! and i love it.
DeleteIt is such a struggle isn't it? Knowing that children are a beautiful desire... but that they are a gift - one that comes from God and Him alone - and not according to our timing! Accepting His timing was my biggest struggle! My blog title comes from that struggle - Isaiah 55:8-9: "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways, my ways says the Lord. As high as the heavens are above the earth, so high are my ways above your ways and my thoughts above your thoughts."
ReplyDeleteContinuing to pray for you Natalie, that He will grant you the desire of your heart!
~Laura
thank so much laura, that verse is such a good reminder. prayers are so appreciated!
DeleteGood luck! These are all normal feelings but doesn't make it any easier. I remember having those mixed emotions when friends told me they were pregnant. Happy for them but so wanting it to be me too. Keep the faith!
ReplyDeletethanks meghan! hoping my turn comes soon :)
DeleteI appreciate when you write honestly and openly. I gained from this post, too. I, too, have far too often made what I want for my life (all good things!) my complete idol, and not God. Even 3 weeks into this motherhood thing, I've realized I prized how I envisioned myself as a mother would be, over the stark, difficult reality. Oh! And my selfishness! Whew! I thought God had smacked me in the face with my own selfishness when I got married, and He and I had done a mighty work on that sin in my life...nope, apparently I still need to work on it through motherhood. :) I am also so thankful for God's grace, and His goodness in showing us areas in our lives we need to refine, and giving us life situations in which to work on them.
ReplyDeleteStill praying for you, friend! I am hoping alongside you, B, and Matt! :)
Thinking of you lady and hoping that he provides you exactly with what you need! Blair is a beauty and I hope you three are blessed with more babies in the very near future!
ReplyDeletePraying for you, friend! HUGS!!
ReplyDeleteI dont know whether you saw this post of not, but here are some of my favorite songs to listen to on really hard IF days. http://www.apluslife.net/2013/02/courtneys-infertility-playlist.html
ReplyDelete