This week has been really good! I've been gving myself my Gonal-F and Menopur shots like a boss. I even did one of my shots while talking on the phone...now that's skill! ;) These shots are really no big deal. Besides the Menopur stinging when I push it into my stomach it's pretty painless. But I know the booty shots are coming up and those are a different story...
TodayI go to get an ultra sound to see what my eggs are up to and that determines the rest of my treatment dosages and timing etc.
I met a new friend this week through a mutual friend. She's dealing with infertility too and it was so refreshing to visit with her. We hung out in Starbucks for 3 hours and talked about everything we've been through. We have very similar personalities and connected immediately. She gave me this poem called Wait by Russel Kelfer and I just love it,
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."
She has also written an inspiring blog post about her journey this far if you want to take a look at it. If you are going through infertility I think you might find this encouraging! My favorite thing she quotes is from C.S. Lewis:
We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.
This explains my thoughts to a tee! I know He has a good and perfect plan but the pain I must endure to get there makes me nervous. I'm working on that though! Trying so hard to remain hopeful during this time of uncertainty.
M and I have had to make some big decisions this week regarding the ethics of genetic testing in IVF and what we feel comfortable with. We value life and want to do everything we can to preserve it and be responsible. We don't want to have a surplus of embryos just hanging out in the freezer forever and we certainly don't want any of our embryos to be discarded. We've decided to forgo all genetic testing because it doesn't matter to us if we have a child deemed 'abnormal'. We believe all life is precious. If we had discovered that Blair had a problem while I was pregnant we would have loved her just the same and figured out how to adjust our lives to meet her needs. The same goes for these little babies. We want to give each one of them a chance regardless of their genetic makeup.
From what we have learned, when doctors use genetic testing they immediately discard the embryos that are not perfectly healthy. Implanting only 'the best' embryos does increase the chances for conception and birth but this comes at the cost of the remaining embryos. M and I are also choosing to limit the number of embryos created to that of which we can realistically see ourselves providing for. Could five kids be in the cards for us? Well, yes. Is it our top choice? No. But will we do everything we can to give each one of our embryos a chance? Yes. We already love these babies so much and we feel God has called us to obey Him in this way. We realize this isn't everyone's story or situation but it is ours and this is what we feel comfortable doing.
We know this lowers our chances of being successful significantly. That's a tough pill to swallow. But I never want to look back on our decision with regret. We believe that God has called us to obey Him in this way and we will never regret doing so. God has been faithful thus far and we know that He will continue to carry us through this process with or without a perfectly healthy child.
I have chosen to be completely transparent on my blog thus far with our story. I hesitated writing about this because people have SO many different opinions. Our decision is not meant to cast judgement on anyone else's choices...it's just simply what we feel we have been called to do. This is OUR story and I hope that any negative thoughts you may have about this are kept to yourself. To be quite honest unless you have been through infertility and/or IVF you can't completely understand what we are going though. It just isn't possible. I can assure you that M and I have spent countless hours in prayer over each and every choice and are confident that this is what God has asked us to do.
Thank you for being respectful of our decision and continuing to pray for wisdom for us!
Tonight we get our Christmas tree and I sure am looking forward to that! Doing normal things in between the heavy stuff does my body good. :) And with IVF appointments every other day next week, (an hour away!) I'm trying to stay ahead of the game. Do you guys have your tree yet?