(In)Fertility Fridays

Medical
Not pregnant... again. Sigh. Story of my life. Took a pregnancy test on Monday even through my cycle isn't supposed to start till Saturday and got a positive. Took one again on Tuesday and got a negative. I'm not sure if I'm having chemical pregnancies or if the HCG shot is still lingering in my system. Which, according to that drug's half life I had less than 1% in my system when I tested on Monday. So it shouldn't be that. Either way there's no bun in this oven.


Emotional
I didn't cry about it. This is becoming my new norm, unfortunately. It's what I expect even though I know that's a bad attitude to have. I guess the most difficult part is getting that glimmer of hope with the positive test. I think I've learned my lesson not to test early anymore. That would save me some grief. Live and learn. So I'm trying to just keep living my life without thinking about "what if."

Spiritual
I heard a sermon this week that really threw me for a loop. It was challenging which I appreciate and caused me to examine my heart and motives. My notes are scattered but what she said was motivating for me to move on from my pity party, "God uses the circumstances in your life to move you to be more Christ-like. He cares more about growing you than your comfort and is committed to your spiritual growth. Treasure the Lord above all else. Suffer for Him. God refines His people through brokenness and times of waiting. He breaks you so you rely on Him and not yourself. He doesn't want you to wallow in your trials, despise them, or hurry them along your own way. Let him mold and make you so you can be a servant for His kingdom. Being in the waiting room is God's design for your life right now. God let's you sit in there so your will can align with His. Don't resist Him. God is preparing a testimony of deliverance for you that will bring Him glory." Oy. Talk about a punch to the gut. This waiting is all part of my story and apparently it's not over yet. I keep wanting to skip chapters and write The End but unfortunately there's no Cliff's Notes version available. Dang it.

So I'm marching on and trying to think about others more than myself. And trying not to hate the girl at my gym who said they are going to start trying this month. Because in my mind that was one more person who is bound to get prego before me. Horrible of me to think, I know. But I'm being honest with you because just maybe you have those same thoughts? And I want you to know you're not the only one. But I also want you to know I'm trying really hard to not be such a grinch. And truly the only way that is ever going to happen is by God's grace.

I hope you lovely readers have a nice weekend. You know what to pray for. :)

And just for fun this is a conversation I had with Blair last night while cuddling with her in her bed...

B: Mommy who bought you that ring?
N: Daddy
B: Mommy who bought you that shirt?
N: I did
B: (pushing on my chest) Mommy who bought your chest?
N: These were free. God put them there.

Insert crying laughing face here. Kids say the darnedest things!