So, with that said B got her first spank. It definitely was NOT easy nor did I want to do it but I know that I have a responsibility to teach her how to be kind, gentle, selfless, etc. And I feel that conversations with her alone are not enough to change her heart. I am not ok with her hitting or throwing fits when she doesn't get her way and she needs to know that! We're entering a new chapter in parenthood and prayers are appreciated! Being a parent is HARD!
With that said here are some snapshots of our sweet girl. :)
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I love you B! You bring us SO much joy and love!
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ReplyDeleteHi Sarah, I too was once a kindergarten and first grade teacher in which I used a TON of positive reinforcement. Obviously in public school sparking is not allowed. But as you know there are definitely times when positive reinforcement doesn't work for everyone. I outlined the steps for biblical spanking below which is much different than hitting a child. We use time outs along with occasional spankings, and positive reinforcement. Thanks for stopping by and being encouraging in your comment, not critical. :)
DeleteI'm the mother of two adult children. I did spank both my girls just a few times when they were small. (I used to give them time-outs first inside a small portable crib as it was a safe place, and resorted to spanking only if that did not work.) I think that sometimes appropriate spanking is the only thing that works, while of course the positive reinforcement mentioned above is a wonderful and important tool as well. And the best thing of all is that you want to bring your daughter up to know the Lord!
ReplyDeleteThanks Pam! I appreciate your encouraging words :)
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DeleteHitting a child is NEVER an acceptable form of discipline.
ReplyDeleteOf course....but hitting and spanking are two different things. Spanking, when done biblically with conversation is the most effective way to discipline a child.
DeleteI completely agree!
Deletehttp://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/effective_biblical_discipline/effective-child-discipline/biblical-approach-to-spanking.aspx
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DeleteNatalie,
ReplyDeleteI am so encouraged on this post. I have been delaying a post like this for fear of being criticized. I realized, reading your post, that was a silly fear. This is also the form of discipline we have chosen for our kids and we use Shepherding a Child's Heart as a guide, as well.
There are SO may opinions out there. You can only go with what God tells you is best for your family. I have no doubt you and Matt prayed fervently about this decision and will continue, throughout Blair's life, to lift her and the decisions of parenting up.
I wish people had more encouraging words for you! It's a hard job being a parent and we are all only doing what we think is best for our children! (Hence the silly fear)
I am honored to watch your family and see how God blesses you guys for staying on track with Him and teaching Blair the same!
XOXO
Kierra
PS: I think I will start working on a post! Thanks for your courage to write this.
Hi Natalie,
ReplyDeleteI came across this post and the comments the other day and it has been weighing on my mind ever since. I really, really hope that these negative comments and the articles have not deterred you and Matt from trusting God's guidance on the way he wants you to raise Blair. I read each of the articles that were mentioned and found them all interesting in very different ways. I appreciated the Focus on the Family article and how it is another trusted source for Biblical parenting that coincides nicely with Shepherding a Child's Heart. I wish the other anonymous posters would take a minute to read it and realize that what Tripp and Focus on the Family' Ingram advocate is so incredibly far from mindless, emotional beating or even "hitting". I think that is the image many non-spankers see when they hear the word "spank." Obviously, we who have read the book know the calm, reasonable, and sensitive approach that you outlined above. But honestly, I agree that non-Christians shouldn't spank because then there is no hope for it to be done in this Biblical way, and then, I agree, it would be detrimental to the child and counter-productive.
The Dr. Sears article definitely is based on the idea that spanking=beating, and since we know that isn't true we can't worry about the concerns it brings up. You, Kierra, Danielle (who gave me my book) and I all know that we are not child abusers. The emotional abuse that some parents impart on their child in effort to find a way not to spank might be much more significant than they are willing to accept. Or they are just going to use the behavior modification methods and change the outward behavior (when mom and dad are present, or to greedily get a reward) but not affect the heart. (And again, non-Christians don't understand the importance of this or what it even means like we do.) The points about "devaluing the child" and "promoting anger" are definitely not in line with the communication aspect of Tripp's two-fold method. But those who haven't read the book wouldn't know that, and they are just speaking from their own ideas of what a beating would do. Which, I agree, and I know you do too, that beating a child would have potential to do all of that.
The last article by Mothering by Grace frustrated me even more because it is written in the perspective of Christian parenting and yet they are severely butchering some of Tripp's points in their attack. First of all, they throw out the Calvinistic doctrine of total depravity and say that children are already "signed and sealed in the sacrament of baptism." We dedicated Audrey to the Lord, but we did not baptize her. One day our prayer is that she will chose Christ as her savior and then enter into a relationship with God, but that is not something we can do for her. I know you agree. They bring up Romans 5:13 about God's love and Christ's sacrifice as if we don't think that applies to our children and that is not something we are teaching them. Obviously we do believe that applies to them, and we will teach it to them, but we also must recognize that they have a sin nature.
Secondly, the paragraph about a child's problem being something like colic or a scratchy tag rather than actual defiance is just silly. Tripp knows the difference and so do we. He also emphasizes that we can't spank when we don't know Exactly what happened or if we can't get a clear confession. (sibling tattling, or even the possibility of lying can't result in a spanking.)
Part Two :)
ReplyDeleteThirdly, they say that Tripp does not allow for the child to question. But only two pages after the one they quote about "without challenge, without excuse, without delay" Tripp outlines a whole process of appeal in which the child can question the directive (pages 136-138). They mention Jacob wrestling with God and Christ in the garden as Biblical example of people who appeal, and their examples completely line up with Tripp's process. They were both completely submissive to God first, and came to God humbly with a heart that was fully ready to do what He asked. This paragraph actually agrees with Tripp. We do make mistakes sometimes, and it's ok to question in the right spirit. But children can't be allowed to control a situation in the sense of making excuses/challenges or requiring parents to ask 5 times before finally getting around to obeying. (Again, I know that you know this, I'm saying it just for the sake of the anonymous posters who are criticizing a book they have likely never read and think that this article is accurate).
Finally, the notion that spanking is just another behavior modification method which produces a Pavlovian response in a child to learn how to avoid pain is still not in line with the heart of the Tripp method. There is so much more to this than a swat on the bottom.
The last thing I'll say is that both anti-spanking articles do make one good point. "The rod," in my opinion, may not mean literal spanking. The first article (and quoted by the anonymous commenter) references Psalm 23:4 in regards to the shepherd's rod of guidance and comfort. True. I think that "the rod" could be a combination of things that represent your authority over your child (not a bad thing! as opposed to what our culture teaches), your dedication to correct misbehavior, and your ultimate desire to turn their hearts towards God. This may take different methods for different parents, different children, and at different stages of childhood. (I was spanked much less than Marie because my spirit was very different than hers. A conversation with my mom would often fix things for me that wouldn't have with Marie. You should tell her that is now on the internet :) But, obviously, our girls are too young to truly grasp the depths of that kind of conversation. That is why physical consequences speak more to the young ones and is less needed the older they get, when hopefully communication takes over. Tripp is completely in line with this. Our whole life as a parent is going to involve intense effort to truly know our children as individuals and know what works for them considering their age, temperament, and softness towards God.
Anyhow, this is ridiculously long...I was going to just email you an encouragement, but then I decided to write a novel here in case one of the previous posters might happen upon it. You are doing a fantastic job being Blair's mom. God put you two together for a reason :)