Warning: I'm on day 4 of Clomid and things are getting a bit hardcore emotional over here...

I have an idol, and it's not God. It's true. And I'm desperately trying to change that. I never thought that my desire to have 3 kids was a bad thing. Having a family is good, isn't it? And while the obvious answer is yes, I've learned there's more to it than that. When my desires begin to take over all my thoughts and my sole ambition in life is to have more children instead of being content in Him, glorifying Him, and trusting Him, I'm in trouble. God should be enough for me despite my circumstances. If my home, finances, health, and (heaven forbid) family were taken from me, could I continue to sing praise to Him? I want the answer to be yes. My head knows what the right answer is...now it's a matter of getting my heart to follow.

So I'm in a constant war with myself. Praying for mercy and grace from Him even though I know I'm undeserving and not guaranteed a perfect life. Which is a hard pill to swallow.

I imagine that one day I, too, will be announcing my pregnancy and singing of His goodness. Because I know that every good thing comes from Him and for that I am eternally thankful. But for now I will continue to try and seek out the good in my situation. To see the prayers that He's answered. And there have been so many! From the quick diagnosis, to the understanding doctors and nurses, to the most amazingly supportive friends and family. I really am blessed.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel like I'm in a game of tug-of-war. I'm grateful for all my current blessings, but still desperately waiting. It's a hard act to balance. I'm thrilled for my pregnant friends but also yearning to be in their shoes. And along with that, trying to grow in my faith so I can truly say that He is enough. Regardless of whether or not I have more babies. It's a big task, but I know He's seeing me through it and all I can do is ask for strength, peace, and wisdom.

So there you have it...my emotional roller coaster. I'd imagine you're all pretty tired of reading about this by now but writing out my feelings is therapy for me. And it is my blog after all so "I do what I want." ;) And for the record red lipstick is not a good choice for an emotional day. If you could only see my hot mess of a self right now. Super cute.

And because Tinkerbell makes everything better...

*Update: I wrote this yesterday at nap time. By the evening I was feeling significantly better but I still stand by what I said. :)

Tis the season to attend showers! I attended one wedding and one baby shower this weekend along with a craft night (I made this!). It was busy but all good things. Blair finished her swim lessons and now we have a lot more flexibility with our days. Which probably just means we will be swimming in our own pool all day. 

typical... refusing to look at the camera (ps that is a 12-18 month swim suit!)

practicing her kicks with daddy (and her bff charlotte!)

Last week I also had the pleasure of "styling" some new outdoor furniture that my parents bought. I basically gave my mom some ideas on what to buy when at HomeGoods and then we had a playdate that included Blair and her potty on the patio. Just keeping it real and classy! Here's what we came up with...

waiting for plants for the wicker planters

trying to decide what to write on her chalkboard

gotta have dog treats!

the blanket in the basket is for the cool summer riverside nights. ha. ha. ha.

loving their new concrete table too!

keeping it rustic and personal since my dad owns a chicken feed business. bach. bach.

What do you think? I'm pretty gaga about her choices in furniture and she's waited a long time to get something she loves after years of hand-me-downs. I approve, Mom!

Infertility Update* Been taking Clomid for three days now. No apparent side effects yet. On Wednesday I give myself a shot of other hormones. Thank you for all your well wishes, encouragement, and advice!

It's no secret that my sis-in-law is a true stunner. The girl turns heads everywhere she goes and now that she's pregnant with her first child she gets double the stares! She and my brother took some maternity photos last weekend by the ever so talented Lauren at La Sol Photography. The photos are beautiful and I just can't wait to meet that little boy inside! 

like woah...pregnancy model, right?!

She sure wears pregnancy well, right?! And the nursery for her little man is so darn cute...can't wait to showcase it soon! Have a great weekend, babes. I have some wedding/baby showers to attend along with a round of Clomid to start. Prayers appreciated!

Young House Love {bookshelf organization}

I recently picked up this book from Target. I read it cover to cover twice on the flight from Oahu and loved it! The authors had SO many great ideas for simple (and not so simple) fixes to make your home more fabulous. 

I've been meaning to reorganize our bookshelves for a while and decided to copy how Young House Love styled theirs. 

Here is book shelf one before...

functional, but messy

unfunctional but beautiful!

adding a little blue pulls in the color that runs through our home

dried flowers bring the outside in

adding photo booth pics gives our shelves something unexpected

adding something i love (dogs) adds charm and dating our photo albums with matching washi tape makes me look organized!

I had a lot of fun redecorating this shelf and am in the process of finishing the other two. It makes the room look so much more put together. M isn't thrilled that he can't find any of his books anymore but let's be real...who has leisure reading time with a two year old who's potty training? Not us.

In the midst of potty training I dropped the ball on this recipe swap. I had no time to make Channa's Trifle (which looked SO yummy!) but here is the link to her page so you can check it out!

Back to potty training. What a dookie doozy. Yesterday was our first official day and I think we went through about 4-5 pairs of princess panties and a few paper towels to soak up some pee pee accidents. Luckily we have a lot of tile and I hauled all of Blair's toys onto it. And finally at the end of the day she pooped! A 100% successful day if you ask me!

I read a ton of blogs via Pinterest on potty training and this is what we're doing...

-one M&M for every successful pee pee (that means no accidents on the way there)

-one small toy from the $1 bin at Target for each poo poo 

-tile and outdoor play only

-no clothes, just panties

-lots of positive reinforcement even when she has accidents 

-lots of ipad and movies...the girl can only sit without entertainment for so long

-diapers only at nap and bed time

And this is what we are NOT doing...

-no pull ups

-no using diapers for errands etc. there's no turning back!

I'll let you know how the last one goes after we attempt music class on Friday. I'm bringing a towel for her to sit on just in case. Insert nervous face here.


Here are some products we have really enjoyed so far...

potty

once upon a potty

potty book

the potty book for girls

elmos potty time

big girl panties

Anyone else braving potty training lately? It's not for the faint of heart that's for sure!

Blair sure had the time of her life while we were away in Zion. Come to find out she didn't even ask about us ONCE! C'mon, Blair, at least pretend you care that we left you for three days! Someone is growing up way too fast. I guess if I had to choose her being happy or sad while we're away I'm definitely choosing happy! B sure kept my parents busy with swimming in their hot tub, swimming at the neighbors house, flying around the house with her stroller, etc.

loving my mom's sunscreen application job here ;)

why is my two year old SO grown up?!

Come to find out B convinced Lala to take her to the car wash and Target. B milked it good and rode outta there with a milk from Starbucks and another baby. In case you didn't know B already owns a baby from Target. OG baby is beat. She never has clothes on and is dirty as hell. There is no better way to say it. Old baby's name is "Two" according to Blair. She is also two years old. Can you guess what new baby's name is?

Yup. "Five." Apparently Blair has a thing for numbers? Now not only do I have to drag blankie and "Two" with us wherever we go but "Five" as well. Thanks Lala (But in all seriousness thank you for watching her!).

Hey babes! M and I are still hanging out in zion national park. It's gorgeous here and we've had great weather. We even got to enjoy a thunderstorm on our balcony after hiking the narrows. 

Happy trails!