Thoughts

I just started searching around Pinterest for some articles on dealing with Secondary Infertility (hello, what have I been waiting for). I found a lot of helpful articles/blogs that chronicle different stories of SI. And boy, once I started I couldn't stop reading! 

And then my sis-in-law stumbled upon "What not to say to people facing secondary infertility" and the article couldn't be more spot on. Not that any of you have been insensitive but some people are and this would be good for them to know...

1. STOP IGNORING HER: If you've never struggled with primary or secondary infertility or if you're currently pregnant, don't assume you can't support her. Don't distance yourself from her, stop inviting her to your important events and don't forget to check in with her if she's a bit distant. 

2. STOP ASKING IF SHE'S PREGNANT YET It's stressful to hear this over and over again. I'm sure when she get's pregnant she will tell you, but please don't keep asking... we spend enough time wondering why we're not yet. 

3. STOP TELLING HER IT COULD BE WORSE: For her this is the hardest thing she is dealing with. Of course it could be worse but that doesn't make this any easier.

4. STOP ASKING WHY SHE WANTS MORE: It's insulting and when a family decides to expand, it's probably not a one-person decision and was made with lots of thought. Just because someone has other children, it doesn't make their infertility any less hard.

5. STOP GIVING ADVICE: Don't tell her to relax or to just adopt, or give up or any other unsolicited advice. She doesn't want you to "fix" her or offer your non-medical opinions, but she wants to be heard.

6. STOP ASKING WHY SHE'S SO DEPRESSED: And stop discouraging her from talking about her feelings. If you genuinely think she is, then that's different, but if you think she just spends too much time trying to control things she can't -- that's not a helpful thing to assume she's overreacting in her feelings.

7. STOP ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY: and don't always talk about how you always accidentally get pregnant. However, don't also feel like you can't talk about your pregnant life too. The best thing is to feel the room -- give her space to talk about her struggles and give her space to listen to yours.

8. STOP TELLING HER TO BE GRATEFUL: It's insulting to be told that you should be grateful for the children you have when you're talking about secondary infertility. We don't need to be told to be grateful, we are and our pain over infertility has no baring on our other kids.

9. STOP COMPARING HER PATH WITH SOMEONE ELSE: Something I hate hearing is the comparisons over "who has it worse". Don't tell her she's lucky to have kids when someone else has been dealing with primary infertility. Don't tell her she's lucky that it's "only been a year and not two". It diminishes our path and emotions and it's not exactly supportive.

Again, not because all these things have been said to me (although a few have) but because I think it's important to educate yourself on things that can be truly hurtful/insulting without you even realizing it. I think most people have good intentions but sometimes their words still hurt. 

{Stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord. Exodus 14:13}

Stand firm- keep the posture of an upright man, ready for action, expecting further orders, cheerfully and patiently awaiting the directing voice; and it will not be long before God shall say to you, "Go forward." - Charles Spurgeon

PS I'll be at the beach for the next couple weeks so be prepared for some sparse posts. Hoping some vacation time will be good for me. :)

• It's insulting to be told that you should be grateful for the children you have when you're talking about secondary infertility. We don't need to be told to be grateful, we are and our pain over infertility has no baring on our other kids.
• Stop Comparing Her Path with Someone Else 8 of 8
  
  Something I hate hearing is the comparisons over "who has it worse". Don't tell her she's lucky to have kids when someone else has been dealing with primary infertility. Don't tell her she's lucky that it's "only been a year and not two". It diminishes our path and emotions and it's not exactly supportive.
• Stop Ignoring Her 1 of 8
  
  If you've never struggled with primary or secondary infertility or if you're currently pregnant, don't assume you can't support her. Don't distance yourself from her, stop inviting her to your important events and don't forget to check in with her if she's a bit distant.
• It's insulting to be told that you should be grateful for the children you have when you're talking about secondary infertility. We don't need to be told to be grateful, we are and our pain over infertility has no baring on our other kids.
• Stop Comparing Her Path with Someone Else 8 of 8
  
  Something I hate hearing is the comparisons over "who has it worse". Don't tell her she's lucky to have kids when someone else has been dealing with primary infertility. Don't tell her she's lucky that it's "only been a year and not two". It diminishes our path and emotions and it's not exactly supportive.
• Stop Ignoring Her 1 of 8
  
  If you've never struggled with primary or secondary infertility or if you're currently pregnant, don't assume you can't support her. Don't distance yourself from her, stop inviting her to your important events and don't forget to check in with her if she's  infertility. We don't need to be told to be grateful, we are and our pain over infertility has no baring on