(in)Fertility Friday

Well I am thisclose to being done with bed rest! I'm done today around noon and then from now on till after Christmas I will be on a "soft" bed rest. Basically no lifting Blair, no exercise other than walking, and just a general taking it easy. And to be totally honest? I didn't hate it! You're probably not surprised. Although I do feel like quite the fatty eating take out and sweets while I lay around all day. I'm officially a sloth.

I feel great other than the dull aching of my back from laying down all day every day. The day after my embryo transfer I woke up and told Matt, "I don't feel pregnant." Of course he rolled his eyes and reminded me that it hadn't even been 24 hours since the transfer. As of today I still don't feel pregnant but according to my other IVF friends they never had symptoms this early either. One of the hardest parts about this is guessing what each little pain and twinge in my body is. I'm trying to stay out of my head but it's so hard! I'm welcoming all distractions...Christmas is good for that!

I find myself preparing to fail but at the same wanting to be hopeful. I've found that throughout these last two years I've had to learn how to balance so many emotions. It's weird how emotions can be so opposite and coexist at the same time. I'm joyful because my life is full of blessings yet sorrowful because I desire to have more children. I'm protective of my heart yet wanting to fully trust God. I guess what it comes down to is that I am constantly battling my will against God's will.

I listened to a sermon this week by Matt Chandler (December 6) called The Refining Love of God. He talked about how sometimes God asks us to let go of things for whatever reason. He said it would be wise for us to open our hand and let go but so many of us clench our fists to hold on tight. His point is that God is going to act in your life either way. So don't make Him break your hand to get what He's asking for. The process is so much easier if we hold things loosely and let Him do what is best for us. Such a hard lesson to grasp! I'm over here gripping my dream of having a baby when I know I need to give that up to Him and let Him control my life because He has my best interest in mind. He loves me and cares for me and will never leave me. He is good and worthy of glory, honor, and praise...regardless of whether He gives us a baby. Now if I can just rest in those truths and never doubt...wouldn't my life be easier?!

Today Matt's wheeling me over to Blair's preschool so I can watch her perform her Christmas program. She's been reciting the sweetest little poem about Jesus' birth for a couple weeks now and I can't wait to see her in action!

As far as what is next for us...a lot of waiting. I won't have another appointment until after Christmas when they draw my blood to see if I'm pregnant or not. Prayers for me to be patient and fearless these next two weeks and of course for those two embryos to attach to my lining and grow, grow, grow!