(In)Fertility Friday

Ah the joys of infertility Fridays! I will not miss these posts one bit when this is all said and done. Here's a quick little update:

Medical
The funky erratic bleeding never happened this month so I'm counting that as progress! The only bummer is that I started spotting like usual on day 23. I asked my doc about it and he said that I double my dose of Metformin. The spotting is likely my body's way of telling me that my insulin levels are still off. Basically my body doesn't use insulin properly and I don't make enough of it to keep my blood glucose levels normal. So weird (and annoying) that that affects my ability to get pregnant!

I have an extra round of Clomid in my medicine cabinet so I think I'm going to give that a whirl this month since I already know how to use it. Doc said if I get cysts from it it doesn't matter. That they won't affect my ability to get prego but that they can be painful. I've had them before and never knew it so I'm taking my chances. 

Emotional
I'm not going to lie....I'm super disappointed with how long this is taking. I thought that once on the meds I would be pregnant right away. I've been reading about PCOS a lot and realizing there are so many complications that I could have, which totally overwhelms me. There's scar tissue, closed tubes, endometriosis, adhesions... I could go on and on. And while yes I could go and make a million appointments to see if something else is getting in the way of baby #2 I'm burnt out. It's completely exhausting researching everything and trying to determine what is important and what isn't. I'm over it. And at this point our kids will officially be 4 years apart. Not what I would have planned...

Spiritual
Same old, same old. I'm trying to focus on trusting the Lord and His plan instead of being indifferent or just gritting my teeth and bearing it. Still trying to find my satisfaction in Him and not another baby. Still trying to be thankful for my blessings and joyful in my circumstances. Still trying to have hope in Him instead of doubting that He can or ever will deliver me. Still learning that His way of deliverance may not be mine. Learning that He loves me and cares for me even when I feel alone in my struggle. And still learning that He is enough for me even if He never fills this desire in my heart.

I'm a broken record. These things will always be a challenge to me. I guess I just hope that I'm moving closer toward contentment in Him than farther away. Tough stuff.

I'll be self medicating at Disneyland tonight with M for a date night. This is nothing a good old fashioned corn dog can't fix!