Quitter

And the winner of the Sea Cove Stitch hair pretty is...

{KIM BAUER}! 

Congrats! An email has been sent to the owner of the shop and she will contact you shortly. :)

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The news I received yesterday at the doctor is still sinking in. It was one of the worst days I've had so far on this infertility journey and I couldn't wait for "Fertility Friday" to share. Basically this whole time my provider thought that I was still covered under my old job as a teacher. Apparently my old employer never canceled my benefits, so this whole time we were covered and I'm not sure if we were supposed to be.

Enter yesterday.

When I walked in to check in for my appointment they told me I was no longer covered and that I could not receive any more treatment. They do not allow for patients to pay out of pocket and M's benefits just plain don't cover infertility. I even begged them to pay for the rest of the treatments out of pocket to no avail. I walked out of there sobbing, thinking this entire month is blown for us without IUI. It was really really pathetic and I just didn't care that I sobbed hysterically all the way to my car and then the entire 30 minute drive home.

I have no idea why the benefits lasted as long as they did, but having them come to an end was a bitter pill to swallow.  I could not believe that they would just cancel my treatment for this month cold turkey without trying to work with me at all. Especially when I've already taken 2/3 of the medicine!

And call me crazy but since I already have the HCG shot to release my eggs, I'm still gonna give it to myself since I know how and can base the timing of it off last month's cycle. Lo and behold I also have a bit of progesterone to get me through to my next appointment with the private doctor. Just a little self medicating over here based on the treatment schedules they gave me before slamming the door in my face. But I've got the meds and I'm not letting them go to waste!

M was a complete rockstar yesterday. As soon as I called him he went into "fix it" mode whereas I went into "melt down" mode. He started the process of us getting our medical records so we can take them to the new doctor. He also called the new doctor's office and got us a consultation appointment for next Monday. Too late for this cycle BUT he also asked if there was any way possible we could still do IUI without the consult and they said maybe. So we are off to a new doctor tomorrow. And paying out of pocket (for reals) begins now.

I already mentioned that I was completely devastated yesterday. To think you are going to the doctor to hear you have eggs and are ready for insemination and then to be told, "Sorry. You're screwed this cycle. Try again somewhere else next month" was just heartbreaking. I'm already hopped up on hormones...how did they think I was going to respond to that?!

I cried. A lot. But in the midst of my disappointment and tears on the way home I repeated (out loud like a crazy lady) "God, I trust you. You knew this would happen all along. You are in control. I am not." Part of me is wondering if God is going to allow us to get pregnant this month despite not having any procedures done. That would be a miracle. And I could 100% say He was behind it all. It is VERY unlikely that we ever get prego again without medical help and/or a miracle.

But even if we don't get prego this cycle God is still God. He is still good. He still has a plan that's perfect for us because it will ultimately glorify Him. And at the end of the day I know that is why I am here and what I desire to do...to glorify Him no matter my circumstances. To praise Him when things are good AND bad. And it's so hard to do. My earthly flesh desires a baby more than God sometimes and I know I'm being stretched to say with certainty that God is enough. If my worst nightmare were to come true would I still worship and serve Christ? I would. It would be difficult but I would. A wise pastor told me Sunday night, "It's how we act and respond in the bad times that proves our character and reveals what we believe about God and His love for us." I believe God loves me whether He rescues us from this or not.

I'm slowly but surely relinquishing my control over to Him. It's exhausting for me to try and control everything and I'm at the point where I want to throw my hands up and say, "I quit!" Which is good, I guess. I quit trying to make my own plans. I quit trying to fix everything myself. I quit trying to find my happiness/purpose in having more kids. I quit. But He doesn't. His love endures forever. And for that I'm thankful.

Here's the best part of my day yesterday...