Don't Let Go

Yesterday I cried. I didn't want to or plan on it but lately I don't have any control over my emotions. It's honestly like I'm making a smoothie every day. I put in some jealousy, some anger, sadness, gratefulness, patience, impatience, guilt etc. Then I blend it all up and you get a little bit of everything almost every day. It's insane how all over the place I am.

Within the last 24 hours there have been 3 pregnancy announcements. I'm happy for each one, and still desperately waiting for it to be my turn. I have a really hard time understanding where God and his grace are lately. Of course I know it's there but sometimes I have to scrape aside so much other crap to find it. :/

I'm sure the other half of my melt down was because of the very negative pregnancy test I took yesterday morning. If there is such a thing as a super negative test, it was mine. No hint of a baby on that stick. Nope, no sir. And while I've been preparing for the disappointment of this day for an entire month it still hit hard. I was upset. I couldn't pretend to be okay with it. It sucks. No period either, but a very negative test all the same.

While I've been down at the beach my Aunt has been a great ear. She knows the infertility road all too well and has so much compassion. She suggested that I create a note card with my favorite promises from God and when I start to feel overwhelmed, upset, hopeless, to get it out and read it. Over and over. Till my eyes bleed, if need be.

I also downloaded this book yesterday and am LOVING it so far. If you are dealing with infertility at all this has been a great read (even though I'm only 22% into it). The author totally validates everything I'm feeling, which feels good (Thanks, Brooke, for the rec!).

So, continued prayers. Prayers that I can be strong. That I don't have pity parties, and that no one else announces their pregnancy. Kidding. Kind of. ;)