Plan B

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Over the weekend I became an Auntie! My brother and sis-in-law had their baby boy. Mama and baby are doing well and I will post pictures sometime this week. B was quite the character when she first met Hudson and I'm looking forward to telling you all about it. :)
Smack dab in front of me while we ate at a restaurant last weekend.

Now to completely change the subject... Last week was the worst week yet in our infertility journey and I just could not hold in my emotions till (in)fertility Friday. I feel like I say that often?! On Wednesday I woke up and thought, what the heck, I'll take a pregnancy test. Much to my extreme joy it was POSITIVE! I rushed out to get a digital one and it read yes as well! I sobbed with joy alone to myself since it was nap time. I could not believe that we had gotten pregnant without IUI! I thought to myself, "God, you really outdid yourself here!"

I made the mistake of telling Blair in which she quickly lifted up my shirt and pointed to my belly button, "Mommy you have a baby in there? It is tiny." As the week went on I kept taking a test every morning to make sure the lines were getting darker and darker. They weren't. In fact just the opposite was happening. I knew this wasn't good and braced myself for the worst till finally on Saturday morning there was no line at all. Negative. No more baby.

Now I've never had a "chemical pregnancy" before so I thought this was a pretty mean trick. A chemical pregnancy is when the egg fertilizes but never attaches to the uterine wall for whatever reason. Could be due to a chromosomal abnormality, a thin lining, low hormone levels, etc. That was super fun to figure out per my own experience (insert sarcasm). I say all of this without having the doctor confirm it yet (I go in whenever my cycle starts next) but after researching online and talking to a few friends it seems that this is what I have experienced. Chemical pregnancy is a term used for early miscarriage. The wind was knocked out of me. I sobbed for a good hour in bed before Blair woke up. The next thing I knew I was going about my day, because what was my other option?

I learned the hard way not to open my mouth to her. It was torture "untelling" her. She doesn't get it. She's two and a half. I felt like a horrible mother for taking away such joy. And yet how could I have known? I had never had something like this happen to me in the past. I was too excited not to tell her. I will never trust another stupid pregnancy test again. I'll never have another purely enjoyable pregnancy again, that has been robbed of me. The next time I see two lines on that silly stick I will roll my eyes and say, "yeah, we will see about that." Now I know. And I wish I didn't.

This all happened the day my nephew was born. A bittersweet day indeed. My heart was bursting with joy for his new life and yet so deeply sorrowful for our loss of life.

And yet this is another page in my story. Another trial. Another way to empathize with other women who have gone through the same thing. Another reason to cling closer to God. Another reason to be hopeful because even though this royally sucked, it shows we can get pregnant. And so we wait. And pray. Pray that one day our miracle will arrive in the form of a precious baby. And if it doesn't? We still rejoice in our good and perfect Creator. He will be my joy and my salvation, my refuge and my strong tower.

Sorry to be such a downer after a holiday. I'm actually doing okay and managing to put one foot in front of the other. I've had an incredible outpouring of love from my close friends and am so grateful for them. In fact, they were all here yesterday at my house swimming in our pool and celebrating labor, ironically. So with a drink in my hand and an enchilada in my stomach I'm hopeful for what the next few months bring. Preferably a real baby and not a food baby. ;)


21 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for your loss, that's such an awful feeling I don't wish it upon any woman. Time after time you pick yourself back up, I truly admire your positive attitude!

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    1. thanks jennifer...i'm hoping someday soon i don't have to keep picking myself up! i'm sure ready to be on the other side of this.

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  2. I'm so so sorry for your loss! 😢 Prayed for you and your family.

    Have you heard about NaPro? It is an approach to infertility that seeks to treat the underlying cause of infertility.

    If you're interested in joining a private FB group of faithful women suffering with IF, just let me know!

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    1. thank you for the prayers! i have quite the list of things i'm looking into and i'll add this to it!

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  3. Sorry to read this but thanks for sharing.

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  4. Oh I am so sorry you just went through that...I can't even imagine the emotions and ups and downs of finding out and then unfinding out. :( Thinking of you constantly and keeping you guys in my prayers.

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    1. thanks natasha...feels SO good to know how many people care and are praying!

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  5. Oh Natalie. Natalie Natalie, I'm so desperately sorry.

    This is what happened to me last summer(except after our IVF cycle) and it's just devastating. I hate this so much. I'm just so sorry.

    Praying for you.

    Here if you ever need to talk.

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    1. i seriously can not imagine dealing with this after ivf. SUCH a disappointment especially after spending the big bucks. but i have to say i'm not going to be surprised if that is us one day soon. i'm officially bracing myself for anything and everything because it just. keeps. coming. you are on my list to pray for in regards to infertility. i wish i didn't have anyone on that stupid list but i guess if you have to be then at least get prayers for it!

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  6. Losing a baby is so devastating. I have felt like that for each of my miscarriages after our first ectopic. So sorry girl. You are in our prayers.

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    1. thanks ashley. i wish no one ever had to deal with this ever! you are on my prayer list as well.

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  7. I am so sorry for your early loss. Strangely, I had the same thing happen to me last week. it was horrific, but I think I was a little bit farther along (maybe and week and a half.) I had more signs it was a early miscarriage (ill spare you the details.)

    This traumatizing experience brought back so many memories. Last year, almost to the date, I had a miscarriage in the end of the first trimester. The way we found out about was absolutely devastating, We also learned it had me in me for 2 weeks with no heartbeat. needless to say the rushed me into an emergency D and C.

    After this procedure I kept having signs of the miscarriage and it did not stop. It all came to head exactly four weeks after the surgery when I was going to the bathroom and I piece of fetal tissue came out. I cant even put into words the way I felt at the moment. I remember it like it was yesterday. When I came home I slept in me bed hoping it was all over. But it wasn't. I woke up with out of control blood loss. Long story short the rushed me into ANOTHER surgery exactly on month later, I received a blood transfusion as well.

    Ok so all that being said, I am sure you can understanding why the emotion of horrific that was so strong. We have been trying since January and the fear of scare tissue and infertility looms in the back of my head. we are going to the OBGYN tomorrow.

    Your strength in God has been a blessing through my journey. the feelings of not being pregnant every month and the feeling of negative tests. only us, women going through fertility issues understand the frustration. This past year I have been SO angry at Jesus and my faith has slipped. I ask myself, "God, I know there is a "plan" and a lot of people go through miscarriages ,but why did you take my baby piece by piece the way You did? What the hack is the plan for that?" seeing you faith in God has helped to restore mine, slowly but surely.

    I will continue to pray for you and hopefully you and I will bath have some good news very soon. by the way this is the first time EVER (besides my best friend) I have shared this. it is kind of freeing. Thanks for the opportunity to understand how you feel and being able to relate to the ups and downs to trying for the most precious gift!

    Hopefully God will lead use for a reason to this tragedy and fertility issues. God Bless

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  8. I am so sorry for your early loss. Strangely, I had the same thing happen to me last week. it was horrific, but I think I was a little bit farther along (maybe and week and a half.) I had more signs it was a early miscarriage (ill spare you the details.)

    This traumatizing experience brought back so many memories. Last year, almost to the date, I had a miscarriage in the end of the first trimester. The way we found out about was absolutely devastating, We also learned it had me in me for 2 weeks with no heartbeat. needless to say the rushed me into an emergency D and C.

    After this procedure I kept having signs of the miscarriage and it did not stop. It all came to head exactly four weeks after the surgery when I was going to the bathroom and I piece of fetal tissue came out. I cant even put into words the way I felt at the moment. I remember it like it was yesterday. When I came home I slept in me bed hoping it was all over. But it wasn't. I woke up with out of control blood loss. Long story short the rushed me into ANOTHER surgery exactly on month later, I received a blood transfusion as well.

    Ok so all that being said, I am sure you can understanding why the emotion of horrific that was so strong. We have been trying since January and the fear of scare tissue and infertility looms in the back of my head. we are going to the OBGYN tomorrow.

    Your strength in God has been a blessing through my journey. the feelings of not being pregnant every month and the feeling of negative tests. only us, women going through fertility issues understand the frustration. This past year I have been SO angry at Jesus and my faith has slipped. I ask myself, "God, I know there is a "plan" and a lot of people go through miscarriages ,but why did you take my baby piece by piece the way You did? What the hack is the plan for that?" seeing you faith in God has helped to restore mine, slowly but surely.

    I will continue to pray for you and hopefully you and I will bath have some good news very soon. by the way this is the first time EVER (besides my best friend) I have shared this. it is kind of freeing. Thanks for the opportunity to understand how you feel and being able to relate to the ups and downs to trying for the most precious gift!

    Hopefully God will lead use for a reason to this tragedy and fertility issues. God Bless

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    1. oh kaycie my heart seriously breaks for you. i can't imagine how horrific that experience would be. i added you to my growing list of people to pray for regarding infertility. it has got to be one of the toughest trials out there to go through. who knew after working together for so many years that we would share similar heartaches later in life? i'm praying for your appt tomorrow (i have one too). the clinic i am going to seems amazing (and i know they have one in irvine) so if you are interested let me know. it is incredible what doctors can do for people struggling with infertility these days so don't lose hope!

      there are so many emotions that play into this and i think it is normal to feel angry, alone, desperate, sad etc. when dealing with this. i just try to remind myself that God is still God no matter my circumstances and that I need to trust him regardless. He sees the bigger picture when we do not. God's plan can be confusing/painful (to us) and we may not know why he brought us through this for a while. But I do know we are called to obey him and glorify him through our trials. Easier said that done, right? It's a learning process and the prayer I pray often is, "I believe, but help my unbelief." I believe he is good and loves me but help me when satan tempts me not to trust him. Praying for you. Hang in there and I'm proud of you for sharing! it must feel good to release that burden. i encourage you to tell your story. i think it will help you and it allows for some amazing women out there to jump in and support/encourage you.

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  9. Big hugs. I had a chemical pregnancy the first round of trying after our miscarriage. It was awful to be duped into having a glimmer of hope. I am excited for you that at least we did get fertilization, like you said, hopefully next time it sticks and you get a beautiful perfect baby. I think about you often and am sending lots of strength and hugs. I wish I could swing by with some coffee and ben and jerrys and a bad chick flick.

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    1. thanks erinn...man i wish you lived closer too! sounds like you have the cure to all my infertility woes with those 3 remedies! haha. but truly i appreciate all your love and support. :)

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  10. Prayers for you and praying for His perfect timing! I always think of Fall as a "fresh start" so hopefully it will bring happy memories for your precious family! xoxo

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  11. I am so sorry that you had to go through this, but wanted you to know you are not alone. I had two chemical pregnancies when we were trying to get pregnant with our first baby. I had also never heard of a chemical pregnancy and to have it happen twice definitely robbed us of a purely enjoyable pregnancy experience (as you called it). I hope you and Matt get another positive pregnancy test soon and are able to stay as positive and hopeful as you can.

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    1. thanks natalie. ugh i'm sorry you had to deal with that too...twice! our bodies are tricky little devils aren't they? looking forward to getting past this.

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  12. I just suffered from a chemical pregnancy. I found out last week got all excited and then yesterday my period came! Made the mistake of telling the in laws. It's upsetting but when it's meant to be it will happen. Hopefully soon! Best of luck!

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